Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
