I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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