Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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