Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
PS: I just woke up from my shower
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize