Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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