Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
