sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Randomize
