I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i think i have herpe
just one?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
