Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
