Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
