So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
