I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize