sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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