Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
