did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
