Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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