i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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