you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
i out mim tonsoeep
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