I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
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