I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
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