Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
