he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Randomize
