On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
