mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
