i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
