If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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