I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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