And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
this boner is exhausting
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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