Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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