how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
