Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
