I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Randomize
