well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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