I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
