God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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