I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
