I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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