If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
