Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Randomize
