So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
