I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
