he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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