omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize