His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize
