I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
