matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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