Your mouth is God's brothel.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
