So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
