I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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