I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
