Don't you send me to vm
Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
