i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize