he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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