What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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