Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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