Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
